my journey toward wholeheartedness
In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brené Brown says “wholehearted living is not a onetime choice. It is a process. In fact… it’s the journey of a lifetime.” For many of us, the journey has been especially difficult lately. Beyond the normal troubles and joys that pull our hearts in so many directions, we have navigated polarizing politics, church splits, job pressure, family dynamics, and the strange stresses of pandemic life.
As Chuck DeGroat describes in his book Wholeheartedness:
“Feeling pulled in a thousand different directions,
we wonder if a sense of balance and harmony is possible….
And this inner division creates a fertile soil in which symptoms like exhaustion, burnout, perfectionism, purposefulness,
anxiety, and depression can grow.”
“Feeling pulled in a thousand different directions,
we wonder if a sense of balance and harmony is possible….
And this inner division creates a fertile soil in which symptoms like exhaustion, burnout, perfectionism, purposefulness,
anxiety, and depression can grow.”
This summer I took a two-month sabbatical themed around the concept of Wholeheartedness. I think when I entered into it I was in a state something like the one Chuck describes. I was feeling chaotic, tired, grieved, wounded, frustrated, and fractured. I was yearning for peace, for balance, for healing, and for inner integration. I wanted to feel whole. I won’t go into all the spiritual practices I tried out, the books I read, the music I listened to, the art I made, or the recipes I cooked. Those were my own delight. If you were to take a sabbatical, I’m sure you would find yours.
What I will say is that one of the greatest and most surprising gifts of that time was the realization that I resist so much of my life, especially the uncomfortable parts, and that some of my deepest healing takes place when I turn toward and embrace the hard things.
There is a therapeutic framework called Internal Family Systems, which teaches us to see ourselves as made up of many parts. Our primary part is the Self (or the True Self), which is at the core of who we are. The True Self is characterized by care, compassion, curiosity, clarity, calmness, confidence, creativity, courage, and connectedness. For those who believe that human beings are made in the image of God, that is what we’re talking about. This is the Self I want to be. And in fact, sometimes I forget that I am that Self. You are too. I forget this because I also have parts that are wounded, and parts that I’ve created to protect myself from pain. When I’m under stress those other parts often get triggered, and I start to think and act in ways that are inconsistent with the the True Self that I was created to be.
What my sabbatical taught me, among other things, was that I can expend an inordinate amount of negative attention and energy in these wounded and protective parts of myself, fighting painful emotions – like anger, fear, or grief – and bypassing uncomfortable situations. But this doesn’t help anything. In fact, it makes me even more fractured because it disconnects me from the real experience of my own life. Wholeness has to do with the acceptance of all my emotions, including the painful ones. It has to do with being present in all my circumstances, even the difficult ones. And it has to do with the integration of all my parts, including the uncomfortable ones.
The startling truth is that I do not need to bypass hard things (that’s impossible anyway). I have both the strength to move toward them, and the grit to go through them. And contrary to what our pain-avoidant culture has told us, there is a great gift in doing this.
What I will say is that one of the greatest and most surprising gifts of that time was the realization that I resist so much of my life, especially the uncomfortable parts, and that some of my deepest healing takes place when I turn toward and embrace the hard things.
There is a therapeutic framework called Internal Family Systems, which teaches us to see ourselves as made up of many parts. Our primary part is the Self (or the True Self), which is at the core of who we are. The True Self is characterized by care, compassion, curiosity, clarity, calmness, confidence, creativity, courage, and connectedness. For those who believe that human beings are made in the image of God, that is what we’re talking about. This is the Self I want to be. And in fact, sometimes I forget that I am that Self. You are too. I forget this because I also have parts that are wounded, and parts that I’ve created to protect myself from pain. When I’m under stress those other parts often get triggered, and I start to think and act in ways that are inconsistent with the the True Self that I was created to be.
What my sabbatical taught me, among other things, was that I can expend an inordinate amount of negative attention and energy in these wounded and protective parts of myself, fighting painful emotions – like anger, fear, or grief – and bypassing uncomfortable situations. But this doesn’t help anything. In fact, it makes me even more fractured because it disconnects me from the real experience of my own life. Wholeness has to do with the acceptance of all my emotions, including the painful ones. It has to do with being present in all my circumstances, even the difficult ones. And it has to do with the integration of all my parts, including the uncomfortable ones.
The startling truth is that I do not need to bypass hard things (that’s impossible anyway). I have both the strength to move toward them, and the grit to go through them. And contrary to what our pain-avoidant culture has told us, there is a great gift in doing this.
Quoting Joseph Campbell,
Brené Brown reminds us that
“the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”
Similarly, Mary Oliver says,
“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.”
Brené Brown reminds us that
“the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”
Similarly, Mary Oliver says,
“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.”
When I stop resisting hard things, I immediately feel a sense of relief. When I turn toward my own pain, my uncomfortable habits, and my difficult situations, I discover compassion. I find understanding. There is deep healing here, and the peace of knowing that every part of me, every emotion, and every circumstance in my life, is accepted and integrated into the whole.
I wonder:
I wonder:
- How are you getting triggered lately? What do you find yourself resisting?
- Sometimes it helps to jot down your emotions, or write a list of the circumstances that you want to avoid.
- What would it look like to let yourself express and vent those emotions?
- What might it feel like to turn toward those hard circumstances with love?
- Your True Self is characterized by care, compassion, curiosity, clarity, calmness, confidence, creativity, courage, and connectedness. How have you seen yourself acting out of this Self in the past year?
